Heartache

Oohh, oooohh.
I have heartache. It hurts and I feel very heavy inside.

I went home for the weekend and my gracious, giving parents discussed with me the possibility of moving back to Harker Heights, TX to live with them. Although I have several possibilities for employment/life's work swirling around me right now, nothing has materialized yet. God graciously provided through a close, loving relative to help me financially this month while I am temping and paying off my ESL certification course, but beyond that, I don't know what's going to happen. I am not making enough money to get ahead right now or even to get overseas. It seems that for the things I want to do it costs money to make money.

My parents have discussed with me the possibility of living with them for a year to save money and pay down my student loans while working. It is practical and makes good sense but is far from what I want to do. While I am in the U.S., I love living in Austin. It is a beautiful, fun, easy-going city with plenty to do. I have a good church and am building strong friendships there and networking right now for music, which is beginning to take off again. The city is artistically-geared, and on top of that, it feels like my home base.

It's funny how your perspective changes in a couple years. When I first came to Texas for a summer between college years, I lived in Harker Heights and loved it. The surrounding area is beautiful with rolling hills, farms, and a huge, glamorous sky. I felt free just being in Texas. I still do, whether I'm there or here in Austin, it's just different. A state may be home in general, but there are certain areas that better fit who you are as a person. That is Austin for me. Yes, it's imperfect, but delightful in its imperfections. Kind of like a good relationship.

Harker Heights/Killeen hosts Ft. Hood, the largest military base in the free world. As a result, the surrounding area has a community that centers around the military. I grew up military, my grandfather was military, and I am proud of it. However, the military and its culture offer nothing compatible for me right now. It's that simple.

I feel exhausted after months of job research, pondering what I want to do, networking, having spotty employment, and the general excitement/let down that follows each opportunity that either doesn't pan out or simmers down to a series of ellipses...I just want something to happen--ANY good thing that will prove to me that all these months of transition and preparation are for more than character development.

Yes, I AM learning how to trust God. It's just difficult! I am daily trying to learn the balance between being still before God and trusting Him and doing everything in my power to "ask, seek, and knock". I just want a door to open, whether it's door A, B, or C. There better just be something good behind it. I've decided to decide on something, at least by month's end.

That's basically all. I feel a little like I imagine the disciples to have felt after Jesus died and they were in mourning but also waiting for this promised Holy Spirit He told them about. They get an amazing boost of faith when they see Him resurrect, and then it is back to the waiting and the tarrying...That's where I'm at.

I'd appreciate your prayers, friends.
Jessica