Hello, All.
I'm experiencing quite a duality in my thoughts these days:
If you have kids or know what developmental stages they go through then you know about "separation anxiety". This is when Mom and Dad have to leave the kid for the first time and the child thinks their world is falling apart. When I was about 12 or 13 years old I had the privilege of babysitting a little girl the first time her parents left her with someone else. She screamed bloody murder at the top of her lungs for two point five solid hours till I was driven to distraction. Needless to say, when her parents got home, I let them know with a plastered smile and glazed eyes that their little girl had "had a hard time and been crying," or some other such minimalistic statement to convey to them the stupidity of leaving their little girl for the first time with anyone other than a doting grandmother who was mercifully deaf.
The past two weeks I have been that little girl in the moments just prior to her parent's night out--I sense something's coming that's completely other than what I've known and I've been internally freaking. I've been worrying about loneliness, more than anything. I've been worried that when I go to Bangalore I will be alone. Completely alone. The Father has assured me every time I talk to Him about it that He will be with me. He has no other answer for me than that. I know it is enough, but it sure takes my courage to trust Him with that. He's also asked, "Do you trust Me?" Yes, I do. Like the child, though, I haven't yet learned "object permanence" when it comes to God and His solid ways. I know He is always there, and that He will be enough. This should be the end of the story, but I'm human. With quivering lip I imagine my worst fear that it will be just "me and God" and that I might as well be on a desert island as surrounded by the sea of people in Bangalore that I will not know. I'm worried that to them I will look like a pretty albino :)
I know that what I am going to is good and that underneath all my fears is a settled peace. It will be fine. It will be good. But oh, I will miss my friends and people here--people that know me and are getting to know me; people to whom I am familiar. I will miss having a known place.
But then I am reminded of the scripture in John that says "Let not your heart be troubled...I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am you may be also." (John 14:1-3)
These are comforting words: "Let not your heart be troubled." Ok. So in many moments I waver between the "rest of faith" and a child facing separation anxiety from everything she knows. I have to trust God that this "place" in India He's preparing for me is a good one, and that He will provide me friends and a support network and Christian fellowship. They will not replace the ones I have now, but they will be good ones.
So, if you hear me "screaming", as it were, these next few months, pat me on the back, reassure me and hand me a warm glass of soy milk. And do pray for me--Pray that God has made a way in advance that "where He is there I may also be."
Thanks:)
Oh Jessica, if I could I'd send you a box full of hugs and more hugs, you're not alone an will never be, is the enemy who wants you to feel this way 'cause then only His works through you will be accomplished in half-measure. It could also mean that we've been seating comfortably in our comfort-zone too long that fear creaps-in to have our selves comfortable again in our human nature, because after all, we are still humans and us women have an extra dose of emotions and feelings I believe :D Either way is coming or better yet, you're going and be assured that this very moment someone on the other side of the world is also praying for a friend to arrive, patiently waiting for this special friend to meet in you and no, you're not alone, this very moment and in the not too far away future you'll continue to remain cover in prayer by those who love, know and care about you. Reading your post today was a God send-to-do for me, I've been feeling rather anxious about my younger daughter's behavior (she's almost 10), questions have been pondering my mind, I've been examining my own self also (maybe it's my hormones) but I can feel a "big-change" coming my way and knowing me, I don't like to be unprepared, I MUST know how to face what's coming, I MUST know what course to take when and if it comes and in the meantime my cd in the car has been playing a couple of songs that brought my mind back to HIM, (I will run to you -Hillsong, and Be thou my Vision), and in your thoughts today I heard my heart telling me "Why not" to whatever is that is coming my way, brace it and face it because after all, I'm not alone and never have been, perhaps is myself in this comfort zone of mine that is telling me to fear and yet I've chosen to hear my heart telling me yes to whatever adventure is out there for me, however is my mother's heart that is aching and then, my "Father" is telling me "I Know", you are not alone <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteWhat a timely word, as little Seylah wailed her lungs out because her daddy was not here to put her to bed. Mama couldn't comfort her, nor could Grammy. Finally, in exhaustion, she fell asleep.
ReplyDeleteHow used to our routine we get, our familiar comforts; and how often we refuse the very ones God sends to comfort us.
May you be attuned to the new faces Father sends your way.
Love,
Mom
Hello Cecilia and Mom,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your identification with what I wrote about and your words of comfort to me. Cecilia, it sounds like God's giving us a similar vision of "change and adventure" for the near future! Thank you for telling me that I have friends in India yet to be formed. Mom, I agree with your blessing for me. I love you both, and thanks for your prayers.
Jessica