Emergence and Life

Oh Friends,

My heart feels full tonight. I think it feels like joy. I've had some sadnesses the last couple weeks, but things feel very hopeful and exciting right now, like water bubbling in a calm pool.

I want to share with you a few things I gained from Emergence, the four-day intensive conference I went to last week. First off, let me say, it was intense; 13-hour days don't lie. For me, lack of sleep vied with the need for water and food. Sometimes we'd go till almost four o'clock before lunchtime, and we weren't allowed to have water in the training room. Now, if you've been around me, you know my motto is "Have water, will travel". I had to step out a multitude of times just to drink the precious liquid. Combine these basic Maslow needs with emotionally vulnerable, often raw, soul-searching conversations and interactions and you've got the picture.

Now, having said all that, it was totally worth it. We were all there for a different reason, and mine, after mulling it over, was to develop greater authenticity in relationships and in my own personhood. Day one when we shared what we were there for a trainer asked me to do something on the spot that was authentic for me. I said, "I just can't call up authenticity! I can't do it on cue!" Of course, then I got to talking about India and my excitement over the color, life and possibilities for fashion/textile networking for my fair trade line there and he said, "I think you're being authentic! Class, did you sense authenticity here?" They all said yes.

What I learned over four days was that being authentic is not putting on my "authenticity" hat or "performing" authentically. It is who I am. I am authentic, therefore I will act authentically. I learned that the great, hairy mountain I thought I had to scale to reach an authentic state is really as simple as standing up and taking a step to the right--It is really just a subtle little switch in my thinking, a little thought where I tell myself it's ok to "go there". "Going there" could be blurting out an affectionate thought to my friend, doing a little dance when I get the urge, or could be as powerful as speaking with my whole voice with lots of air and diaphragm support or strongly asserting my opinions with emotion. It will be singing the song in my head, allowing the tears to be there, laughing my real laughs when something tickles my brain, and being downright silly at times.

I did a lot of repenting over this weekend, folks. I repented for withholding myself in my relationships and in life and for not valuing the people in my life. I repented of taking the people I love for granted and for only being partially present when with them. I said to the Lord, "Never again". This walled-off, self-protected self who cuts off the flow of her own life to herself and others will never again be me. When it comes to being authentic I am now willing to risk my time, my happiness, my relationships, and my life. So, help me, God. And please, hold me to it, friends. I need you. What's more, I value you.

I also learned about the nature of love. I learned that because God is love and I am in God, I have His love in me. I have the capacity to love anyone, so help me God. My love is not a thin channel of feeling and goodwill that I must muster up, but rather it is the state I am already in. I am in love. I am in a circle of love that encompasses everyone I come into contact with and as I consciously do the little things and the large actions of love I no longer have to worry if I have enough of love. I am simply loving out of who I am--a loving,authentic person :)

I ask for your prayers and support as I live out the life in me that has been there all along.

Love,
Jessica