Through "What If" to "Why Not?"

I've been in a quandary for quite some time--the past few days especially.  I have a choice ahead of me to take a lengthy leap that I've already decided to do but have been questioning. The reason I question it is because I'm not sure if it's what I really want, or if it's some half-cocked idea I've cooked up in my off time.  Basically, a lot of self-doubt.

  As a Christian, we're told to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."  I believe this, but the thing is, I'm not hearing any ringing bells from the Lord as to what to do next.  He's flat-out asked me what I want.  Whaah??  Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?  And what if what I want isn't the right thing?  I've been known to be dead wrong before on things that really mattered.

Aside from all this, there's another side of me that says of this Leap, "Why not?  Take a chance.  Who cares if it's the perfect thing as long as you're moving forward.  It's a calculated risk, and one you're willing to take."  Sound words, and this part of me wants to throw away all the mental confusion and just do it.  Nike's slogan is applicable in so many cases.

So, here are my thoughts as I breathe through this decision tonight:

I went for a walk tonight, and saw so many things--

  A cat:  Cats don't plan everything hours, days, or even years ahead.  A coil, a spring, a pounce on prey-- all the planning a cat needs.  And they are usually well-equipped to handle whatever life hands them, whether it's Fancy Feast or Alley Surprise.  They are naturally curious and follow wherever their curiosity draws them.  Sometimes this means they have to bolt away from mean kiddies or scary noises, but sometimes it means they get a tasty tidbit or the perfect spot in the sun.  I've watched a cat climb trees and I tell you, it's all ad lib.  One leg stretches, the head bobs, a hind leg strains, and claw-and-nail they make it up that tree.  I've also seen them make their way back down with the effortless grace of a Cirque-de-Soleil trapeze artist.  If cats have nine lives, it's because they've really lived them.

As I walked I caught a glimpse through an open window of a t.v. airing Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.  There he stood in his predictable uniform, and there she waited in perfunctory white.  And I thought, "I am disinclined to watch this right now.  I do not want to watch yet another couple do the I-do's in the ordinary way, whether the whole world is watching or not.  I would rather take my walk with the wind." 

Walking back, I had to cross a median that had a red line for the fire department and a white space for the rest of us. I could have gone around it, but I had to step on the red line--and cross it.  It was so red and juicy and tempting and there.  Would it have made a difference if I hadn't?  Maybe not, but it would have made a difference to me.

In my thoughts to the future, I'm remembering those old "choose-your-own-adventure" books I read as a kid.  You could make a different move every few pages and thrust your character forward to further adventures or sentence them to death at the hands of Doom.  The thing is, if your character died a couple of times by your choices, you could simply start the story over and avoid that page the next time.  To get the most enjoyment from the book you had to keep reading, rereading and turning pages.  You couldn't stop at one story or you'd shortchange yourself. 

I guess all of these things lead me to the leap.  It's not the leap I originally intended or even ultimately where I want to be, but if I don't turn the page I'll never know what happens next...

In closing, I want to lay down the poem my mother has put as the tag line at the end of her emails:

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
— Dawna Markova


I pray I have the courage to follow this creed.